Walking Each Other Home

Reflections on Living and Dying

Lent 2025. I am trying to surrender to the will of God. The year so far has been eventful leading me to contemplation and discernment of life and eventual death. I am 67 and don’t feel like I’m dying…I feel like I’m 40. My body doesn’t agree. Heart failure found me, and I’ve experienced humility, humiliation, vulnerability and gratitude along the way.

Humility comes from understanding our place in the larger order of things. We are not irreplaceable; we are not always right or wrong. I am not invincible and yes, I will die. But I am important, I am special, and I am good. I found myself on the other side of healthcare. Not a nurse, but a patient. Not in control, but at the mercy of someone else. I hope I allowed my patients their dignity and hope. I hope.

Humiliation when there is no privacy. Diuretics and the expected results…bathroom with no walls. Gowns with no backs. No shower. No shampoo. No legs shaved. I asked for a banana and was denied as my dietary choices had changed. Sleep at the will of hospital staff who kindly and sometimes not so kindly woke me up to draw blood at all hours of the day and night. The nurse who after 10 days asked if I had my bed alarm on. Did she think I was THAT old?

Vulnerability means allowing yourself to give up control and trust in the staff, your family, your friends and most importantly your God. Especially for me to attempt to surrender to the will of God. Trusting in His will for me. In God’s plan. Letting go. My attempt has not been perfect. The world and beliefs seem somewhat different than mine. How do I trust staff who don’t seem to have my values? Who look at a computer more than me?

How do I find what I am seeking? Prayer, discussion, and silence. Silence seeking the will and wisdom of God. And that is working and still evolving! Trust is not always easy. This discernment has led me to other questions and thoughts. I hope to explore these on further blogs.

Importantly along the way, I have found gratitude and joy. I am grateful for a husband who personifies better and worse, sickness and health. He is my soulmate, my confidant, my rock. I have joy in our existence. I have gratitude for my sister who is a constant presence to talk to. My sister in law is as cherished as if she’d been born in my family. My nieces, nephews and in-laws. My friends are unbelievable. Kind, encouraging, my prayer warriors. It’s true. Make new friends and keep the old, some are silver and they others gold. I am grateful for all.

So stay tuned for more journey moments. We walk each other home every day. Sometimes the journey is fun, easy and good. Sometimes it can be more difficult. But we always have each other.